“FROM DATING TO DEATH:” THE GREATER PATH OF GODLY DESIRE
“GREATER PATHS” Session #12 Lifeway Explore the Bible Quarterly
Song of Songs 2:15-3:5, Ecclesiastes 12:1-7
“Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, ‘I find no pleasure in them’”- Ecclesiastes 12:1
Okay, I admit how strange and awkward this lesson may seem; and I am admitting it now before we begin. The Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon) is the “raciest” book in the Bible, to the point that Hebrew adolescent boys were not allowed to read it till they were older. It is an ancient Hebrew love poem between Solomon and the Shulamite Woman and it expresses their depth of loving commitment, desire and longing for one another from betrothal (“dating”) through married life by the lens of physical and romantic passion in the bedroom. It will make you “blush” to read it and understand the nature of the figurative language and metaphors… So, why is such an “explicit” book in which God’s name is not even mentioned, in the Bible? What does this book have to teach an older person or a widow or a widower? For these reasons you don’t hear much taught from this book especially for older adults… HOWEVER, (you knew that was coming!) the Bible tells us that ALL scripture is God-breathed and useful for training in righteousness (2 Tim 3:16) and Song of Songs has a lot to teach us about the benefit of “godly human desire” and its critical differences that make it a part of godly love instead of selfish lust. In churches we teach a lot about the dangers of sinful lust, but we don’t give an equal amount of time to godly desire within dating and marriage and the spiritual, familial (family) blessings it brings that last a lifetime and more than that leave a protective legacy for the hearts, emotions, and psyche of the next generation through our committed control of this powerful emotion… That’s what we will discuss today.
GOD IS THE CREATOR OF HUMAN DESIRE (Ecc 12:1-7; SS 1-2:15)
Take a look at Ecclesiastes 12:1. As we mentioned in Proverbs, half of the “wisdom canon” of Old Testament scripture deals mainly with “foresight” giving warnings, advice, and encouragement to young people in skillfully and faithfully walking in the “Fear of the LORD” in the hope of securing the blessings of wisdom and a spiritually successfully life. In other words, Proverbs and Song of Songs is about prevention and encouragement in and as critical life moments, crises, trials, and tribulations that haven’t happened yet approach. Job, and Ecclesiastes are from the scope of older adults, they are “hindsight” and reflections over the observations of one’s life moments that have already occurred and what one is to do with these reflections as they face later years and their last miles here with God. Ecclesiastes 12:1-7 is a poem about old age, and “the remembrance” now, of remembering (choosing to follow) God then and the difference that has made. This is critical when we are dealing with the romantic passions, physical attraction, and powerful emotions of human longing and intimacy.
God is the “Creator” and He created sexual and physical desire… Hence, it is right and beneficial as long as He is at the center of our lives and at the center in our husband, wife relationship. We’ve all lived long enough to know that there is no such thing as “safe sex”. It doesn’t exist- not even in a committed, faithful, and godly marriage. We “turn on the oven” every time we act on or enable our sexual desire. Will we bake the “best comfort food” (pie, Chicken Fried Steak, meat-n-potatoes) as we lovingly care and intimately meet our spouse’s longings for us with mercy, grace, tenderness, communication, selflessness and consideration or will we “BLOW UP” the house with self-gratification at the expense of our beloved? Which way will our desire lead us? On the greater path to God’s well-being for our marriage, our family and a balm for the daily wounds of life is the way Song of Songs directs us. And even when our spouse is gone, and physical desire and health is no longer what it used to be, the proper use of desire’s longings now and in earlier seasons and the remembrances of them can comfort us, remind us of the beloved we have treasured, and that God ultimately fulfills our longings with His presence. And at the same time desire under godly control will leave a legacy of trust and show our children and grandchildren what it means to cherish instead of to lust. What it means to use God given physical and emotional desire in a selfless godly way that is mutually beneficial to our spouse, ourselves, and the wellbeing of our marriage (“of the two becoming one”). Our passage today shows us that in three ways: by emphasizing the power and longing of desire over dating and marriage, by a strong warning to watch out for the “danger” of wrongly aroused passion, and finally the mold in which that passion is put to best and godly use through the covenantal frame of our marriage.
THE POWER AND DANGER OF PASSION: SS 1:1-2:9; 3:1-4
I could try and decipher the different “scenes” that make up the poem: The King’s bedchamber, the fields, the lonely bedroom of the maiden, the deserted streets of the darkened city etc. but scholars still have trouble deciphering the differences between the scenes. The poem does not follow a linear path- leading some scholars to debate whether parts of the book were compiled at different times… Our best bet for interpretation is to concentrate on content over timeline. Read Song of Songs imaginatively; think of every “love ballad” ever written in modern American culture from Buddy Holly to Elvis to the Beatles and realize they don’t come close to the passion expressed here. What matters is that in Solomon and “Shula” there is great longing for the physical presence of each other to the point they can barely keep their hands off each other, and it starts with betrothal, and continues through their marriage. Song of Songs shows us that physical desire is created by God and He uses it to bring a couple together towards marriage (with a strong warning to stay “hands off” (SS 2:7, 3:5) till the commitment is finalized in His presence by the covenant of marriage), THEN keeps that marriage strong through desire’s regular renewal and the sexual intimacy that follows. The Song stresses that this longing is not always pleasant but almost hurts because of its power and can become completely possessive. When Solomon and Shula are not praising each other’s form they are searching and grasping for each other and refusing to let each other go (3:1-4). It is frightening how strong desires can be… And when they are wrongly used they can do terrible and awful damage that will leave us in misery! Control and direction is the key to the right use of passion and Song of Songs shows us that when it is used rightly it can help unite and bond a married couple and help the family through many storms and trials of life. This desire is meant for marriage and a lifetime commitment to each other, it is only in that context that it can be rightly expressed and put to good use (3:5); now for some very imperfect human illustrations.
My wife and I met and fell in love at Baylor University. Now there is nothing particularly “beautiful” about Baylor’s campus but oh the memories of walking hand in hand with my beautiful girl across the campus at sunset into night! It was the best place in the world walking her to the entrance of Alexander Hall before curfew. Carri would stand in the entrance doorway as long as she could and me out on the steps; both of us with big goofy, cheesy grins on our faces (we didn’t care- we were the only two people in the world!) “Good night!” “Gooood niiighhhht!” “I love you more!” “No… I love you more! Good night…” After 20 minutes, the crusty grumpy dorm-manager (who bore a strong resemblance to Tom Landry but with a much more cantankerous disposition)… “GOOD GRIEF, GOOD NIGHT ALREADY! GO BACK TO BROOKS HALL BOY!!!”
Then came those first years of marriage, working for Coca-Cola coming home exhausted after 10 to 12 hour days dealing with stressed out bosses, Strike breaks, paranoid supermarket managers, Washington DC traffic, and moving up to 2,000 cases of soda a day off of trucks and out of receiving rooms (many with rats) onto store shelves and building displays in heat and cold. I would come home barely able to move, my knees creaked, and my hands would be busted open from the cold dry air and sharp cardboard edges of the 12/24 packs and wooden splinters off the pallets. I smelled like diesel fumes and 20 kinds of soda and tea, my skin was covered in sweat, exhaust soot, dust, and hardened syrup but it didn’t matter when I saw HER – and it didn’t matter when she saw me! We had our own retreat and closeness that offered us rest and rejuvenation from a wearying world and it grew us closer as one. Days off were spent at church, or at the Smithsonian and the monuments walking hand in hand. I used to send letter after letter when we were engaged and I was living in Baltimore while she was still at Baylor. My phone bill was $500 in 1992 and the phone company gave me a leather-bound phone directory as their “favorite customer!” I missed that girl so much! Life was miserable till she was mine and I was hers.
PUTTING DESIRE TO ITS BEST USE (SS 2:10-17)
Oftentimes as a couple both working in the marketplaces of life and even in retirement we will come alongside people who do not hold our values and whose desires run unchecked around them making their marriage relationship an object of ridicule, and scorn- don’t let them draw you into that pit! Don’t let your desires go unchecked- keep your boundaries high for “You are your beloved’s and he/she is yours (SS 2:16).” He/she is a gift from God! Your desire (love) for each other should be unyielding and jealously kept. Solomon tells us that the gift of your spouse is such that it is in the midst of your person that your spouse walks (“he browses among the lilies”)and it is in and through all of your life that he/she touches and impacts and the same is true of your role for them. It is in this mutual interdependent sharing that you become ONE. Keep your sexual passions centered ONLY on each other. It will serve both of you and your family well and comfort you when your spouse is gone from this earth and be a lesson of how to godly desire a spouse to your children and grandchildren by the way you cherish their memory. Marriage is ‘holy’ (a setting apart for one another) and the God-given desire you experience is set apart as well ONLY for your spouse. Catch and kill those sly little foxes that divert or stifle your desire for your spouse-if you don’t they will turn into ravenous wolves and destroy you if you’re not attentive and careful! (2:15). Remember, lust uses and abuses; cherishment values and honors your beloved above yourself.
Every marriage follows the seasons of life: winter, spring, summer, and fall. Jim Dobson of Focus and the Family used to say that a healthy marriage is a series of “leaving and cleaving to each other (Gen 2:24, SS 2:10, 16).” As young people we leave mom and dad and begin the long process of establishing a home, a family, a church, and the work of our hands and it all starts with only two and it usually ends with only one. BUT, praise God the efforts and attention, the godly and wise ordering of our priorities (fear of the Lord, desire for our spouse, raising kid(s), establishing a living and our profession of faith, family, work, and person) done right can leave us a legacy of support, protection, and godly witness and testimony when we need it most in the hardest last seasons of life.
Family, friends, and a church home are there to support and encourage us; there is a proven (tried and true) faith that is real, solid and reassuring making us able to deal with more loss, sufferings, and physical frailties. There is trust in our real and living Savior that we can almost touch, and remembrances of a spouse and the results of what we have built together in the mutually lived promise; we have hope because we know we will see each other once more. These can fill us with incredible joy even in the midst of our deepest sorrow. AND all of this is birthed out of desire. A Desire for God and His presence, desire for our spouse, for a life that is rich, full, abundant, blessed, alive, growing and vibrant- a garden of delights to all who take shelter in its shade by the divine providence of God. Keep that desire under control, keep it directed on the greater path of life that is found only in Christ Jesus our LORD; long for HIM and HIS purposes for you then step out in faith and obedience and you can experience the end resulting blessing that Solomon is pointing towards. Be ready to be surprised by blessing not in the arrival but in the journey and your effort and it will give you a reason to get up and face every day and its challenges and promises regardless of how you feel or what you have experienced.
A word as you and your spouse age… There comes a time when we might not get to keep our physical dignity like we used to because of disease, sickness and human frailty… But remember in your bedroom relationship, for years you held each other’s dignity, and you still do so now even though tasks of self-care and dressing might need the help of other caregivers. Make time to hold hands, listen to “your song” and remind each other how much you cherish one another! When your spouse is gone share memories with the kids: “boy he looked good in that uniform!”, “man, your Grandma could always dance her way into my heart and make me laugh on the roughest of my days!” “Our favorite place to go as a couple was Willow Valley Resort in Pennsylvania… And there was this covered bridge over the creek with a giant Willow tree where we watched the lightning bugs dance as we walked hand in hand.” “How I loved walking the fields with him in the evening and the smell of growing things, holding his hand and talking quietly about our day and our plans with each other…” “Your Grandpa was a firefighter and I learned NOT to place his shoes backwards when we got into bed at night. We had been married one week when a fire call came in the middle of the night- he tried to jump into his shoes and fell flat!” You see our desires are still at work long after our spouse is gone because they are God given and God’s desires for us never fade! His desire and plans for you, for your family, and for your beloved never fade! Keep that in mind on lonely days, and longing nights, for the morning is coming soon! I pray you all are blessed today. Know we will be together when this is over or at least when it gets better! Keep the faith and know that I am praying for you! All the best! Love in Christ, Darrin.